Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
