I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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