I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
