I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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