Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
