you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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