He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
