I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
