I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
