He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
