a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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