By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
