I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I am midnight drunk by noon
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
