"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
