I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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