Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
