I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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