just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
