Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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