Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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