Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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