i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
