I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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