I think I am morally bankrupt
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
In America we eat man semen.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
