The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
