haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
