My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
