Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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