rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
