I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i came on her dog
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
