Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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