he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Randomize
