evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
