Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
did you just send me my own nude
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
