I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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