Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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