Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
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