Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
