so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
