areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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