You don't have asthma, your pregnant
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
