Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
