He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
