A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He better not be in your backpack
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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