hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
