No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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