he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
