you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I currently don't understand fingers.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
