i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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