but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
