i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
